Evangelion Rejuiced
by Henry V
Summary: Somethings just turn up. Others are left there to rot. This one contains serious OCCness and weirdness. Welcome, stranger... Chapter two. Now in stereo!
1. Chapter 1

By all means possible, I am still not able to say that EVA belongs to me. nor the RX8 standing outside my house...which doesn't belong to me either.

Ahem.

This is something my mind regurgitated in the middle of the night. Some strong oocness and weirdness occours. If you like it, leave a review. If not, leave a review. if anyone wants, I might update. With enough encouragement.

Now to our featured presentation;

Henry V prductions shamefacedly presents:

*#EVANGELION#*

*#Rejuiced#*

* * *

.

.

Shinji stared at the phone. It had told him to get the fuck outta there. Literally.

He continued to stare at it as a huge green thing came around the mountain. Ash he heard the thing, he noticed a tune being hummed. It was quite catchy, and he happened to remember the song..

_She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes, she'll be coming 'round the mountains when she comes…._

_.

* * *

.  
_

Gendo sat, staring at quite a different electronic device. This device was the pinnacle of human technology. Thousands of people had pooled recources and time into the creation of it, and drawn on technology that had been lost to humanity for countless years.

After some time, he hit three buttons.

CTRl ALT DEL….

No effect. The startup screen was still there, mocking his genius with its unrelenting dumbness.

Slightly annoyed, he hit it again.

CTRL ALT DEL…

_CTRL ALT DEL CTRL ALT DEL CTRL ALT DEL…._

„_Fucking_ windows ME"

.

* * *

.

Shinji was still humming the tune absentmindedly as Sachiel continued to advance upon the city, flattening several petshops and coffe shops as it wreaked hell upon sons and daughters of surviving grandparents.

Then a red Mazda rx8 came hurtling down the street, pulling into a drift which quickly turned into a spin. Shinji saw it and then screamed, finally letting his mind catch up with current events. He was pushed into the car and they sped away from the green thing.

He of course, had several minutes of screaming to catch up with. This hindered the purple haired woman in conducting her initial interrogation as the kid's scream kept her questions confined to a quite small space around her mouth.

.

* * *

.

Ritsuko heaved a sigh as she heaved something else out of the lcl pool around the EVA. Namely the body of a twenty odd- year old technician that forgot about the catwalk as he'd been focused at her... ass...ets...

As she pulled the coughing tech out, a voice accompanied by some other noise drifted to her ears.

_"H__ey, Rits, Misato-chan's here. You wanna chew her out or what?"_

Groaning in embarrassment, she forgot all about the guy and ran into the lift, hitting the apropriat floor. Meanwhile, the struggling tech had managed to pull himself nearly out of the lcl, and flung his hand out at the crucial moment to grab a hand...

Which wasn't there anymore...

.

* * *

.

A pale figure with earplugs turned up on a street, slightly disturbing the bum that sat in the corner drinking a toast to the green gennleman coming his way. It wasn't the looks. Her pale skin was nigh ingnorable, and her blue hair, albeit a bit strange, was commonplace in the street scene. No, what surprised him were the words he heard...

"_I'm the sexy girl, I like when_- hey! where the fuck am I?"

She disappeared, much to the bum's relief. Then a giant green foot squished him.

.

* * *

.

Shinji was no longer screaming. The duct tape across his face kinda hindered freedom of speech. The irony was not lost there...

His father turned up, and his scream of fear turned to a scream of confusion.

"It's been a while"

The two women debated wether to send unit One out or not. Considering that Zero was frozen like an ice posickle and One was ready to go to town on the green schmuck topside made any other options unconceivable.

"You will pilot. You can choose. Say no if you don't wanna."

He screamed no, but duct tape was still inhibiting his verbal repetoir.

"Right, that's decided then! Let's get cracking!"

The purple amazon grabbed the struggling child and flung him into the entry plug.

* * *

"_Umm... okay. Hey dudes and dudettes! The top secret purple thing from cage four is gonna go fuck up the green thing upside, so if you're in front of it's bonnet, get the hell outta the way!"_

_

* * *

_

A distorted scream tore through the com system. The kid had finally figured out that he could tear the tape off. After nearly half an hour.

Oh well.

Gendo Ikari returned to his project.

The screen was still there.

He then decided to do something only the ballsyiest man on earth could do.

He decided to wait and see if it worked if he left it alone for a while.

Striking his usual pose, he sat down in his chair and continued to stare at the screen. Nothing could outwit NERV's commander. Nothing.

Misato turned her attention from the seriously hot looking guy at the front to the insanely large screen in front of her. In it, she saw the angel kick the EVA's ass into the next building.

"Tell me, why did we have to use him? Rei coulda done it, no problem."

Ritsuko stopped doing what ever the hell she does during angel attacks, along with the entire command crew who turned to face her.

Slightly stuttering, sheanswered; "D-do _YOU_ want to go get her?"

Misato gulped, and waved her hands disarmingly.

"Yeah, okay stupid idea"

You did NOT disturb Rei while listening to music. Not even if third impact was knocking on the door. Or even if third impact was currently taking tea serenely in your kitchen. NEVER. EVER.

Meanwhile, unnoticed to the crew, shinji was made dead and then alive again as the eva began to get ticked off because the angel scratched the armour plating.

It screamed in rage as it noticed the broken arm.

"RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! YOUSE GANNA _PAY_ FOR DAT!"

Needless to say, the angel learned the meaning of fear. It chose death over fighting another second with this oversized car owner.

.

* * *

.

Meanwhile, Rei Ayanami had teleported back to her room, deep inside the nerv HQ. She pulled her plugs out and noticed the earthquacke of the angel's passing. She stared a the ceiling for a few seconds.

"Shit just got real, dude. One serious muther _fucker_"

.

* * *

.

Kaji felt trapped. Caged in. Shackled. Betrayed by his friends, his superiors, as well as his subordinates. Here he was suffering for the sake of mankind, under the terrible dictatorship of his worst assignment ever.

"Would you like some tea?" the squeaky voice asked. He was sweating heavily. Next... the..the.. OH GOD NO!

"Cookie?"

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH"

He bolted and ran.

Asuka looked seriously disappointed. The teapot in the fingers of her little dolly never slipped as she stared at the departed guardian. The child-sized stool spun to a stop, and she looked over to the stuffed animals around her. Her lip trembled and she just managed to set the pot down before breaking into tears.

"Waaahhhh! Why can't I have my tea party with him! Not fair!"

.

* * *

.

Shinji woke amid soft, warm sheets. And as he was still sleepy, he turned away from the light. And a certain... other moring nuisance manifested itself. After seven minutes of denial, he did what had become quite a morning ritual...

"Yo, dude. You want me ta help?"

He squealed, drawing together and rolled away from the voice. Unfortunately, he ran out of bed.

Rei leaned over the bed. "Fuck, man. You okay?"

.

* * *

.

Gendo was still staring. The blasted screen had blinked once. This had to bee it. After hours and hours, his waiting had paid off. The desktop appeared...

Then nothing. Black screen. Black office.

"Fuck"

* * *

There. The most obvious mistakes fixed.

Any other typos should be intentional. or at least, so it seems.

Well, I'll be working on a sequal. No promise on quick updates, this was a real fling in the dark. (Turned out well, though;)


	2. Chapter 2

Ahem. I do not own NGE or anything at all really. Just so you know.

Well, shit. It actually came off quite good. The torrents of demands (reviews +2+) for an update made this insane stupid and utterly unbelievable messy parody worthy of an update. Ideas are slow in coming, even if I DID write chapter one in like an hour when I was on a sugar high.

Anyway, hope this meets some expectations.

* * *

Shinji hurried through the corridors. He looked tired, afraid and panicky. Spying a closing lift he bolted to it and just managed to squeeze in before it shut completely. He hit the lowest button repeatedly, then noticed a second one glowing already. He turned, curious as to who was in the lift with him.

Gendo sighed. *He used to be a quiet kid* was barely understood in his own thoughts as the Third Child continued their conversation in the hangar two days ago by screaming his lungs out. Again.

.

* * *

.

Rei huffed. Rei Puffed. And broke the damn door off its damn hinges with graceful application of her powers. If you can call screaming "WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT STUPID IDIOT!" and then blaming the loss of her new plaything on the aforementioned damned door. Which was truly damned. Into splinters.

.

* * *

.

Misato kept looking at the time. It was an hour since she'd asked the whereabouts of her charge and the coffee machine was giving her the gripes.

It had yet to produce a coffee.

Every time the pitch changed its whirring gave over to another sound. Fifteen minutes later she could only marvel at the multiplicity of coffee machine sounds. Then a man came up to her and gently informed her that the machine she was standing in front of was in fact a designer state of the art coffee machine sound generator ™ and if she'd be so good as to pay the listening fee of yen 100000. She obliquely said "Go fuck a horse" and various similar expressions soon heated the conversation to fist levels but as soon as her rather knowledgeable right knee made contact with the man's double serving of pain receptacles the discussion was settled and the world heaved a sigh of relief, or in one case, a groan of pain.

.

* * *

.

Rei looked hard at the man in front of her. It was a heavy set seven foot tall bouncer who insisted she was unsuitably aged to enter this facility. Rei raised an eyebrow. This usually sent everyone scurrying into the shelters, but this man was obviously new. She'd have to teach him the rules of Rei.

He got off lightly, with five bones… intact.

.

* * *

.

The commander looked at the scientist.

"So you are sure that this is correct?"

Ritsuko hesitated slightly, then nodded. "Yes. After bill gates died, Windows was legally classified as a virus, since it consumed all and every resource available"

He looked back at his no longer operating system (pun ENTIRELY intended) and folded his hands into the classical Pose™

"So… We will need to use… what, exactly?"

She dreaded this. His diabolical plan to wreak revenge upon the gummy bear industry was getting more and more out of hand. How had she been drawn into this? She shuddered as she drew up the only thing worse, the only thing that rivaled Windows' reign of terror and the reason for her mother's suicide.

"W-we will have to use…" should she truly commit the crime? Doom all gummy bear industries to a fate worse than death? Or save the world by giving him the bullet?

Her voice shook as she uttered two syllables that would shake the earth to it's very ground.

"Linux"

.

* * *

.

Asuka giggled in the entry plug. Mr. Tiddles bumped lightly off her forehead. It continued to drift away from her, lazily joining the other stuffed toys at the lid of the plug.

An exasperated sigh was heard over the com system.

"Asuka, how many times do I have to tell you? Stuffed animals do _not_ come in to the entry plug. Do you _know_ how hard it is to wash lcl out of wool?"

Kaji just hoped that she had failed to get _all_ of her friends in there. There'd be a tea party soon after the test, and if she had no _friends_ to take it with, he was the most wanted man on the planet.

He huddled in the corner and held his legs close to his chest, rocking back and forth, muttering "no tea, no tea, no tea" over and over as shadows seemed to form cups and saucers in his head.

.

* * *

.

Rei in a slightly revealing dress drew herself up behind Shinji, who was, oblivious to his fate, dozing on the school roof with his earphones in.

He felt the warmth of the sun recede, and his eyelids seemed to darken. He opened an eye, expecting a cloud passing over the sky. No such luck.

"Hi! I'm Rei, you're Shinji, we're both pilots, so why don't we go on a hot date and have hawt, raunchy nucky because we might be dead tomorrow?"

Shinji lapsed into neutral and screamed again. Rei wanted to follow, but her oversized watch hanging from her neck caught in the heatpipes next to her.

"Fucking stupid shit clock…" she placed both her feet on the wall and tugged, ripping the pipes out of the wall and landing in a heap of abandoned bento boxes. Don't ask.

.

* * *

.

The giant phallus seemed to ponder it's whereabouts. Its thoughts seemed to be deep, fiercely intelligent and fast as light.

The reality was more like this:

*Duhh… whe'red da marshmellow guy go?*

So much for superior race.

Rei got cross on his ass when he thought she was a Power Ranger action figure and started getting all tentacle hentai on her.

She didn't kill him for the hentaing though. It was because of the Power Ranger reference.

His last thought was in the lines of

*Duhh… big gun… oops*

.

* * *

.

Shinji was still screaming because a butterfly startled him. Call it wing phobia. Then again, he was screaming at bugs, furniture, blank pieces of paper, the bar of soap you find sitting there that has so many cracks down it that you wonder why it doesn't break up and turn to dust then and there, and ice cream. _Yes. ICE CREAM._

Yea who fear the frosted lactose come no further!

Ahem.

* * *

MEANWHILE!

* * *

"Are you absolutely certain?"

Ritsuko frowned and tightened the grip on her own console. "Yes, Gendo. If you get shot, you are respawned. But if you get shot _in real life, _you do not."

He stared back at the screen. So far he had been 'respawned' fifteen hundred times, and had a kill/death rate of infinite zero. Meaning no kills yet, buster.

His eye twitched. This woman certainly got on her nerves sometimes. But who could help him to get back at the gummy bear industries with such terrible geniousness?

His right hand twitched as he got shot for the 1501st time.

Maybe he should validate her statement. Float a theory, so to speak.

Grumbling, he suppressed the urge. Which got infinitely more alluring as he died the 1502nd time.

.

* * *

.

Rei spotted him walking with a haunted look on his face towards school. Every so often he would randomly point in a direction and scream in terror.

She began to cross the road, then he spotted her. He pointed at her and screamed. She stopped, puzzled. Then she heard the honking noise draw closer, and turned her head to greet the oncoming truck.

"Oh f-"

It was quite a mess.

Deep in terminal dogma a clone in a reception tank twitched and drew herself together. A soft "-uck" could be heard. If someone would have listened. Which no one did.

* * *

Gendo was a picture of calmness. In fact he was the ice god himself. Right up to the point of Ritsuko shooting him in the head for the 2874th time.

Her computer binged, and an automated email alerted her of the fifteenth activated clone.

Sighing, she shook her head and continued handing his ass to him.

"Aren't you going to see to it?" he asked hopefully.

"Nah. All she needs is a dress. But she can get one herself this time. Her deaths are beginning to kill me, you know. I need you to talk to her, Gendo"

The game forgotten, he turned white. He hid his insecurity well though, and took the Pose.

"Why"

"Because I haven't died two thousand, eight hundred and ninety times yet"

"Nor have-"

*BLAM*

"-ah. I see. Very well. I shall endeavor to meet her in hall forty five. Inform her as soon as you see her, doctor."

He pressed a button on his desk, and the whole thing was transported one storey below. The power cord of the computer was still plugged in the wall socket, so after watching his hasty retreat, she heard the crash as the cord went taught.

Instantly, the target in her sights vanished as she pulled the trigger, just a split second too late.

.

* * *

.

*Dumb Akagi bitch*

Rei hurried out of terminal dogma after waiting two hours for her to arrive. Still naked as the rest of her clones, she failed to evade the lecherous (Yet wisely weary) NERV techs. Stil there's always one, isn't there?

"Hey gorgeous, where're you off ta?"

She stopped, and turned to see a widening circle of people surrounding the walking dead man. He suddenly stood alone, and his confidence ran like glass under an N2 mine.

"You want summing?"

She glared at him, her arms crossed. The white hot rage inside her begged to be released, but she was not going to lift her legs that high. Not until she got some damn pants on, at least.

He began to sweat as he noticed the top 13 percent of body mass of a woman, and the blue hair it adorned.

The mallet connected to his chin, sending him flying in a high arc into the lcl below. She turned, and glared at the rest.

Hurriedly, they all held up cards showing a ten on them, smiling desperately.

* * *

Holy smokes!

I uploaded the chap, but forgot to set the lines...

Looked real shit, if ya ask me. anyway, managed to fix it, just hope it makes more sense this way.


End file.
